The Ways of the World will Apply

A euphemism that came out of one of the Tribunals for a bribe...

When I was a lad,
I went up to my Dad,
With my brow in a bit of a sweat.
And I said, “Daddy, please,
If I went on my knees,
Would you buy me some form of a pet?”
He glanced idly down
At my deep, worried frown,
And remarked with a wink in his eye,
“A dog or a cat?
Well, I hope you know that
The ways of the world will apply.”

At driving-test time,
I committed the crime
Of ascending the pavement in error.
And I drove through the town,
Knocking old people down,
And spreading sheer panic and terror.
When the test was complete,
I glanced down at his sheet.
“Have I passed?” I enquired, by and by.
Well, he paused for a while,
Then intoned, with a smile,
“The ways of the world will apply.”

I courted a lassie
From East Tallahassie,
A raven-haired, bright Southern belle.
I fancied my chances,
So took her to dances,
And brought her McDonalds as well.
I asked, when we’d done,
“Do you fancy some fun?
I do hope, my dear, you’ll comply.”
She replied “Kindest sir,
I’m inclined to concur,
But the ways of the world will apply.”

We had a fine daughter
And strove to support ‘er,
As any good parents would do.
But she turned out to be
The ruination of me,
When I had believed her so true.
I came home one night,
Unbelievably tight,
After too many whiskeys and rye.
I said, “Don’t tell your Mam!”
She said “When in a jam,
The ways of the world will apply.”

In my bed, nearing death,
As I faced my last breath,
My family summonsed the priest.
And I said, “Father, tell,
Am I destined for Hell,
When my poor aching body’s deceased?
He looked at me oddly,
Expression ungodly,
Then, jingling his change, did reply,
“Sure, God has his ways,
But to use an old phrase,
The ways of the world will apply.”