The New Pope

My wife says I’m a tub of lard,
A fat and useless dope.
So it will catch her off her guard
When I’m elected Pope.

I’ve sent my application off,
And blessed the envelope.
And will my kith and kin still scoff
When I’m announced as Pope?

I may not be religious but
There’s plenty room for scope.
The boot upon the other foot
When I’m elected Pope.

Excited as a schoolgirl who’s
Preparing to elope,
I’ll need another pair of shoes
When I’m announced as Pope.

My father always used to say
Its money for old rope.
I wish he was alive today
To see his son, the Pope.

Although the Bible’s tricky, I
Am sure that I can cope.
I won’t need much to get me by
When I’m installed as Pope.

There’s many folk who say the Church
Is on the slippy slope
But I won’t leave them in the lurch,
So vote for me for Pope.

Some say when blind men lead the blind,
They fumble and they grope,
But don’t you pay them any mind,
I’ll make a brilliant Pope.

“Do you believe in birth control?”
They ask, and I say “Nope.”
You see, I’m perfect for the role.
I’ll surely be the Pope.


Blasphemers of the world, repent
And wash your mouths with soap,
I will not listen to dissent
When I’m pronounced the Pope.

The Cardinals who don’t succeed
May sit around and mope
And mumble the Apostle’s Creed
When I’m announced as Pope.

So get that white smoke churning out
And send this world some hope.
There’ll be some changes, there’s no doubt,
When I’m elected Pope.